Setting: interior, Jasper's house, in the study. Cal and Jasper recline on his leather couch late in the evening. Cal has just met Dorian Walters for the first time and figured out he's a werewolf, and is about to ask Jasper's help in kidnapping him. They get distracted. As usual.

Cal: I had the strangest encounter today.
Jas: Oh? *pouring drinks*
Cal: Yes. There's a werewolf at Cambridge. At any rate, he could see through our protective potion, and he had been bitten.
Cal: And he's a Muggle.
Jas:...what?
Cal: There's only one thing for it. We'll have to capture him for the full moon. Brew some wolfsbane...
Cal: And I want to run some experiments to see why he can see through the damn potion.
Jas: Remember how you were shocked by Pinkie? Imagine that times ten when you said just now that you wanted to kidnap a werewolf.
...and do experiments on him.
Cal: Jasper. You've got to help me with this one.
Cal: His name's Dorian.
Jas: ...I'm in.
Jas: What are you planning on doing with him exactly, once you kidnap him?
Cal: I knew it! *grabs his hand* I knew that would do it. But I'm going to need help with the wolfsbane--
Cal: Well, we could keep him in one of your secret rooms. And I wouldn't do anything really harmful to him.
Jas: In one of my rooms?
Jas: The werewolf?
Cal: With wolfsbane he wouldn't be a problem, surely? We could explain things to him.
Jas: With all the...pointy teeth and desire for human flesh?
Cal: Wolfsbane, Jasper. Besides, I have pointy teeth and a desire for human flesh, and you let me into your bedroom.
Jas: Oh yeah, hey, Muggle, guess what. You're a werewolf, and you've been kidnapped by a wizard and a mad scientist and now you're going to live in a secret wall compartment.
Cal: Well, we wouldn't keep him. It would be temporary.
Jas: Your desire for human flesh doesn't involve turning me into a kebab.
Jas:...that I'm aware of.
Cal: You have no idea of my plans... but seriously--and don't call him 'Muggle.' His name's Dorian. It's worth saying.
Cal: Look, it's only for a day or two, while the moon's full, and then we can explain and let him back into his natural habitat.
Jas: Can I dress as Lord Henry? And you can be Basil?
Cal: How does one.... dress as Lord Henry?
Jas: You know. Morning coat. Lecherous expression. It's easy. I've got one down already.
Cal: And why are you forever making me take the role of Basil, he's killed half through the book...
Jas: We've already got Dorian. D'you want to be Sybil?
Cal: Morning coat?
Cal: You can't give me all the dead ones! What about Alan?
Cal: He was a scientist.
Jas: Fine, fine. Not like it matters since you don't know what a bloody morning coat is.
Cal: No, no, I'd love to see one.
Jas: Do you really want to go into my closet right now?
Cal: Counterproductive at this point. But I wouldn't object, if it involved nudity... no, no, look, come on, we have to plan.
Jas: *looks disappointed* What about your desire for human flesh?
Jas: Maybe I should practice fending off werewolf attacks
Cal: I'll indulge your Dorian Gray obsession if you help me. I don't want this poor Muggle put in Ministry hands. *earnest expression* My motives are totally altruistic. Nothing to do with wanting to run tests on the boy instead.
Cal: We can practice wrestling later.
Cal: Au Grec. *winks*
Jas: Come on, altruist.
Jas: Get your lab coat and your hunchback, let's go
Cal: What? oh, not yet.
Cal: We have a few days until full moon. And I do need to brew the Wolfsbane.
Jas: You should know, by the way, that you're going to owe me for this.
Jas:...substantially.
Cal: And show you where his dorm room is, so we can Apparate in and out...
Cal: Well, I'm... generous--as you know...
Jas: *sighs* And I'm far too tolerant of your schemes. When is this nonsense happening?
Jas: And what are we going to tell this bloke while we're chloroforming him?
Cal: Six days.
Cal: I thought Stunning would work better, no need to introduce extra substances into the equation.
Jas: But you love substances.
Cal: Yes, but I'm selfish with them. I like them to myself. And I suppose we'll tell him the truth. Hi, this is Lord Henry Wotton, I'm Alan Campbell, and there's magic. You're a werewolf. Drink this so you don't kill people.
Jas: This is gonna go over well. And I'm sure he's never heard a Dorian Gray joke before.
Cal: It may make him feel more comfortable.
Cal: Or like he's been captured by a couple of perverts. Which as it happens is true, but beside the point...
Jas: We might not want to share that part with him.
Jas: You're going to have to be....quieter while he's here, you know.
Cal: You're the one capable of casting Muffliato, why don't you do it occasionally?
Jas: Where's the fun in that?
Cal: Sometimes I think all of this secrecy is just for your amusement, so you can feel dangerous. But really, Jas, be practical. Would you rather I just stay nights at my lab instead?
Cal: Because I'm sure I'll have quite a lot of tests to run--
Jas: I'll have my wand at the ready.
Jas:...don't make a pun.
Cal: The innuendo is... is... right. Right.
Jas: This is ineffective planning. Seriously, what are we gonna do when he freaks out.
Jas: Which is clearly going to be the case.
Cal: Well... I think, er... that you may be better-equipped to calm him down.
Cal: For some reason, he seemed frightened of me when we met.
Jas: I cant imagine why. Maybe it was the hungry gleam in your eyes as you pondered taking liver samples.
Cal: I will have you know that livers regenerate. *eyes drink* Luckily for us.
Jas: Don't even think about Pinkie Pie, you evil bastard.
Cal: But no, you're ridiculously charming and smooth, you really should be the one to talk to him. You'll think of something to say.
Cal: I don't even know if that abomination of a creature has a liver.
Jas: Like, "sorry, your life is much worse than you thought."
Cal:... but I'd very much like to find out....
Cal: Maybe he'd find it exciting.
Jas: Stay out of the garden.
Cal: You spoil all my fun.
Jas: What, a future of crippling monthly pain? Thrilling...
Cal: Better than crippling daily pain, and no worse than being female, I'd imagine. Besides, he gets to be a wolf.
Cal: He gets some contact with the Magical world.
Cal: He may even be able to see ghosts. The effects--who knows?
Jas: Which we're going to have to convince him is real...
Cal: Just demonstrate Transfiguring something.
Cal: Besides, once he transforms, he'll have to believe us.
Jas: Or he'll munch us down like you with a box of pop tarts
Jas: More accurately, he'll munch me and use you as a toothpick.
Cal: Hey!
Jas: I like that you're a toothpick.
Cal: Oh. Good.
Jas: Have you got something black to wear?
Cal: I actually own quite a lot of black. I, ah... when I was at St. Paul's.... went through a regrettable phase of... *mutters* goth, it's called--and... er, I generally save clothing.
Jas: Goth?...no way.
Cal: ... I think I have pictures left somewhere on the depths of my hard-drive. Some malicious fellows who've clung to their facebook profiles may also have saved a few.
Cal: I looked ridiculous, so I would rather not revisit it...
Jas: We're playing dress up soon. Or you are., so get digging in your closet. You owe me, remember?
Cal: *hastily* I'm sure it's all irreparably potions-stained, and I'm sure it won't fit. I was even more toothpick-like in high--secondary school.
Jas: I'm sure we can find something that still fits. Right after i finish storing your werewolf in my guest room.
Cal: Honestly, Jasper, I sometimes think you see every occasion simply through the sartorial facet.
Cal: Kidnapping a werewolf is exciting in its own right, you know.
Jas: I've been eyeing this black Givenchy trench for weeks, its gonna be perfect...
Cal: Thought you were wearing a morning coat?
Jas: I realized it would be far too inappropriate for a winter kidnapping.
Jas: There are seasonal fashion concerns..
Cal: *eager to distract him* Bowler hat?
Cal: Stylish muffs?
Jas: Bowlers, honestly Cal. One would think you were raised by wolves.
Jas: *mutters* Bowlers! For a kidnapping! Absurd...
Cal: You won't want to make jokes like that around poor Dorian, I imagine it's a sore point.
Jas: What, so I'm safer asking him about his portrait, like you?
Cal: Ha. ha.
Cal: Oh! Damn. We were going to meet your friend at the Vault, weren't we? *glances at clock*
Jas: We were. Or we could stay here, go through contigency plans in case we need to...subdue him. You know.
Cal: The idea does appeal, but of course, he isn't for... well... you know.
Jas: Well, of course...unless-- is he attractive?
Jas: No no, never mind. Let's go.
Cal: Well, yes, but--*blushing furiously* Yes. Please. I'm just not that depraved yet.
INTERLUDE: *they go to the club, Cal speaks to Heather Knowles and arranges for her to brew the Wolfsbane in exchange for some of Dorian's venom; they apparate home (Cal obviously sidealong), slightly drunk*
Jas: Who was the blonde? I thought I could judge your type...
Cal: My type? *colors* Well, what about the redhead you were--
Cal: As it happens I was just putting on a cover. And... and... well actually she's going to brew the Wolfsbane for us.
Jas: Oh, lovely. I'm rubbish at that sort of thing anyhow.
Jas: And as for the redhead, she's the girlfriend of one of my mates from the NME.
Cal: You aren't rubbish at anything, Jasper.
Jas: Cute that you were jealous though.
Cal: Oh...
Cal: You knew I would be, you bastard.
Jas: Maybe a little.
Jas: I was rather hoping you'd be angry...
Cal: *seizes him by the shirt-front* Was for a bit--but I know you're mine--even if you don't.
Jas: Am I? I don't really feel the...sense of ownership. Maybe you should try harder to convey it.
Cal: *shoves him onto the couch, and fade out*