So here's the deal: Caroline and I were just discussing the ridiculous advice Cal would give if he were a priest, then we thought of the advice other characters might give, and then I thought of this game.

Here's the basic concept: first, the character above you posts a problem they have in their life. If it's Carmen, she could say 'I was date-raped and impregnated by an underling from work, what should I do?' and you might respond 'Kill him,' 'Try to work things out,' or 'Battle it out in court.' Or something. Then you'd also post a problem of your own, to which the next person would respond.

Person A:

(solution to person above)

(problem)

Person B:

(solution to person A's problem)

(person B's problem)

Simple, right?

Make sure to answer as your character would answer; that's the fun part. For instance, I'm sure Daphne Honeycutt and Constance Fallon give very different advice.

OK, I'll start.


"Your main problem is clearly nonexistence. Being isn't actually nothingness. Stoppit."

...

"I'm in love with someone who doesn't seem to feel quite as strongly about me, or, perhaps, isn't capable of love. Will joining a terrorist organization help me to feel better?"

"Yes."



"I've been impregnated by the man I hate most in the world. I know I'm going to kill the man, but what should I do about the child?"

I've developed a equation to resolve problems like these:

skill in bed (1-10)/cost of an average date= x

if x is equal to or less than .14, keep it up. You can live with having your emotions toyed with for a good romp (if you can't, well... there's no helping your lot). If not, toss love to the winds, join that terrorist organization, and find yourself a more devoted squeeze. Seriously.

(blast... replied at the same time. Oh well... I'm leaving it up anyways. And now to edit!)

Well, if you're already on a role with the dad, why not knock the kid off as well? I mean, it's even legal and everything. Don't get me wrong. I love kids, but owning one is bound to get in the way of a promising career in manslaughter.

My friend threw up all over my living room carpet and then passed out. Should I bend him into the shape of letters, take pictures, and use them to spell things or give him a moving tattoo of stick figures dancing around his nipples singing kumbaya?

Clearly you should do a combination of both options: Give him a moving (and permanent!) tattoo, dress him in woman's clothes, put him in a compromising position, and THEN take pictures. True friends are the ones who can blackmail you if you ever change your mind about being their friend.


My wife is annoyed that our son mistook her mother for a vampire, all because I may have used her mother for my basis of description when telling him vampiric bedtime stories. How should I fix this?

Get a nanny-- you'll entirely avoid the kind of unfortunate mishap that comes from misguidedly interacting with children. As for the mother in law, I highly recommend an expensive Christmas gift this year. The more expensive, the better.


My best friend since is feeling down because he found out I'm sleeping with a man, and he wants to know why I didn't choose him. Would having a drunken fling with him make him feel better?

Ugh...I can't believe I'm actually giving you advice on this. Please refrain from mentioning this to anyone, ever. I'd say go for the drunken romp, but make sure the *cough* sex is really bad. Then you're friend won't want to pursue it any further, and will likewise recieve an ego boost knowing they are much better in bed than you. Oh...and please never ask me questions like this again.

"So I may have committed suicide. That is to say one of my alternate personalities (rich respectable pureblood) killed off the dominate one(fun loving crook). But people like this new one better than the old one...and I resent that. How do I come to terms with this and learn to accept my new self? Or should I maybe kill of this personality too, and try for a third? Or go back to the original...well I can't really go back the original because he's an escaped convict who everyone thinks is dead...but..."

"Since your new persona is obviously much (much) more appealing than your old, I would stay with it, and, if you feel the need, use the old one on special occasions, at night, etc. You know, rather like, dare I say, Batman. I would only try a new personality if it would involve looking like someone more attractive than Christian Bale, and that is obviously impossible. If that sends you into a self-esteem crisis, I can only say 'too bad.'"



"So, hypothetically, I may or may not have kidnapped a Muggle werewolf, for his own good. My accomplice and I both find him attractive, but I think it would be in awful taste to say anything, because he might never take wolfsbane or come to stay for the full moon again, with understandable ancillary dangers. However, I do quite like him. Maybe I ought to try to be friends. What should I do?"

"What exactly is your definition of hypothetical? Is it the standard definition or by hypothetical are you attempting to subtly inform me of a truism? You kidnapped the disabled? I'd like to take a moment to point out that many a heinous crime as been committed for a persons 'own good'. That having been said....are you implying some sort of french term for three way copulation? If yes then I would suppress that...logistics and public decency aside I'm sure this 'hypothetical' kidnappi has enough to worry about without having you look like you want to ravish him, with possible assistance. Try some compassion, and don't let any 'hypothetical' regulation and control people anywhere near him.


The neighbor down the street asked me to sit for their children on Saturday. I am agreeable to the proposal but only because I wish to spend an evening observing the children primitive society . I think they might be vessels for a new string of Cnidarian Daemons, is it appropriate to run some tests, providing I put all the pieces back together at the evenings conclusion?

What the (expletive) is wrong with your neighbor? Have they no judgment? No common sense? At any rate, your neighbors don't strike me as particularly bright. If they've managed not to notice that you probably aren't the best sitting choice around, they won't notice a few holes/stitches/color changes in their kids. Go for it.

I don't know what my friend was eating, but it left a huge stain on my rug and mummy won't be around to magic it away until Christmas. I'm thinking that my chances of scoring are exponentially decreased so long as it looks like someone died behind my couch and this bothers me very much. Hiring someone to fix it would be expensive, but I definitely can't do it myself. Is there a cheaper way out?

Ask your mother to send down a house elf, very simple. Or if she can't spare one here is a little trick I learned from those times when I refuse to speak with my family - furniture is mobile. Terribly difficult concept to grasp I know. Anyway the stain is behind your couch right? Why not move the couch back a bit to cover the stain? Or if I misheard you, throw a carpet over the offending spot, I've been told that layering them is acceptable by a bloke in glitter. Then only you will know it is there, and me. As for me I doubt a dead body would ever serve as a turn off.

I think I'm falling for a coworker - because he reminds me of a man that I once rather fancied, however man one was unfortunately murdered, but I could have never dated the dead man even if he had lived after the jail break due to our different professions. Now my real problem is how long do I wait for memories of the first man to fade away before I start thinking about the coworker who reminds me of him? Or is it perverse that I want to date a more acceptable form of the dead man? Should I just become a hermit instead? Wouldn't that be easier?

Who cares why you like the new man, so long as you like him? Enjoy him while the feelings last and get rid of him if the feelings fade. You're a bloody auror! Get some confidence, Robards! *knocks sense into head and hands a tissue*




Right, so I have some men issues. I've been a...bit of a flirt since I was a girl, and it's led me into a...situation today. I was pushed into an arranged marriage to an abusive arse of an Englishman who is more evil than Voldemort and that reporter woman combined. The problem is, he's extremely powerful like all evil men, and is holding our daughter ransom in order to get me back. He'd probably kill me if he caught me. He definitely would kill me if he found out that I've secretly been seeing my boss, as well as meeting with the man who is our daughter's shrink, who I've known for well over a decade and may or may not be madly, terribly, head over heels in love...fraternization with. To get Kendra back.

*coughs*

And I have no idea how, for the love of all things Irish, I'm going to work the situation out! Every option I have ends in jail, death, or lifelong unhappiness! My god, it's like I'm some bloody black widow harbinger of death! On top of it all half my family's dead from the bloody revolution, my mother's gone mad, I'm still not recovered from all that damage Edward feckin' Garrow did to me in our marriage, my brother and sister-in-law are too busy sleeping with each other to notice my problems, I don't enjoy work anymore, and Bram is being a pain in the arse and not helping me get Kendra back because he still hasn't grown a pair of bloody balls! Agh!

...Right. So, any insight?

*is taking notes* Okay, so here's what you do... First off, throw a few pithy one liners at your husband. You know, stuff that seems innocuous enough but secretly lets the readers in on your internal strife. Definitely keep the affairs going! They're going to be the main source of sexual gratification since the stuff with your husband probably isn't warm and fluffy and won't sell the next installment to the series. Now, you need to zero in one one man and use your feminine charm to get him to fall hopelessly in love with you (if he isn't already). Shortly thereafter develop a cliched scheme to off your husband and make sure it ends in an epic showdown between the two men. Don't worry, your lover will come out on top because of the depth of his love for you, your husband will get his and then some, and you'll all live happily ever after.

So I've just drafted a novel, see... and now my hand is sore. I'm afraid it might fall off, actually. Should I sit in the lobby at St. Mungos in case it does or should I risk it and stay at home. Note: My hand is of significant importance to me. Loss of writing ability would be absolutely devastating.

"Well, if it's that important, take your work to Mungos, and sit there and work on it, in case your hand falls off. If anyoen comes near you, all you have to do is stare threateningly at them till they leave."


"I have a childhood... not friend, but I've known him since age 7 or so. He likes me, and won't leave me alone. I left him in France, but he pops up on a regular basis to harass me. I really rather dislike him, but I don't want to kill him, cause he's a pureblood, and his parents will be, well, not very understanding of the concept of 'He needed killin' so I'm a bit stuck."

(He's partially the reason she can see thestrals, and she won't admit to the fact that she has a subconsious association. But he is a jerk.)

Untested Weasley products are your friend. Especially the kinds that leave you with nasty rashes, embarrassing odors, or with flames shooting out your ears. They can be exceedingly unpleasant, painful, and humiliating but generally aren't deadly. The perfect way to get yourself out of a bad date. Trust me. I know from experience.

Okay, so I kind of like this guy. But I just found out some things about me that make me question his moral character. *cough likeinventingcursesthatstealyoursoul cough* He claims that he was bullied into these suspect activities and that he's reformed. Should I trust him and give him a second chance? Or should I send him packing?

Kill him with a tie-- I mean...what? Er, what I meant to say was, I've been in an oddly similar situation, actually. I recommend breaking it off immediately and going after random models instead. Or random musicians. Or just random attractive people. It's much easier than all this "liking" and "knowing things" about the person you're dating. That never ends well.

I get one chance to spend time in a mad scientist's lab. Chances are, no matter what I get up to, I'm not getting invited back, so I intend on going all out with an experiment. Should I blow things up, or try to create a Frankenstein-esque being while I'm there? If I should go for the first, any suggestions as to what will explode with the most satisfactory fallout?

If your intention is to wound the owner of the lab, I recommend a poltergeist. Not only will they make things explode, they'll provide many other forms of destruction too; and they stick around like you wouldn't believe (which is very satisfactory for the vindictive soul). Of course, if you mean to get anything worthwhile out of the experiment I suggest waiting until you're done to let the poltergeist loose.

I've recently been made aware of a secret world within my own, and if my true identity were to be found out by these people both my friend and I would be in serious, serious trouble. Should I keep my head down, for his sake and mine, or do a bit of investigating on my own?

Unless there's another secret world out there (if so, what is it? I'm intrigued), you're referring to the Wizarding world, in which case I'd like to recommend a fake Squib card. Then investigate, in disguise. Perhaps ask your friend to help you? Ask him about something called Polyjuice Potion. It's extraordinarily useful. You might also like to stop by Christie's jewelry shop, it's a hotbed of illegal nonWizards, particularly ones named Dorian. Interesting fellow.





I've been working on a spell. If I can get someone to use it, there's the slim possibility it might grant me the power I've always wanted, and wanted more than nearly anything else. On the other hand, I have no idea what other effects it might have and no reliable way of finding out, short of letting someone use the spell. Its use also has other ill effects, such as death, but I don't think that's important, since it doesn't involve me or anyone I care about. What should I do?

My suggestion would be to find a random person who seems to have no friends or family. Bums are usually best for that. Try it out on them. If they die, no one will really care. If they don't, you can study them for a while. They'll do pretty much anything you ask as long as they get some food out of it.



-----



So... currently I'm staying with my 'uncle' of sorts and he's found his way to his deathbed. Seems to like it there. I take care of him as best I can but he keeps telling me to let him die and go find myself a good man to take care of me. My problem is I'd feel absolutely terrible leaving him, the man who's taken care of me my entire life practically, alone to die by himself while I'm off looking for someone to replace him. What should I do?

Do as he says. Maybe he wants to die by himself. Did ye never think of that?

The investigation into my family's murder is going nowhere. Should I give it up after six years of hopeless searching and begin trying to come out of the hard, unforgiving shell I've built around meself?

That's your problem, huh? Look Constance. You've got too much going for you to waste your life pining away for dead people. Let the dead rest, get a makeover or whatever it is witches do to cheer themselves up, and move the hell on. For someone who thinks they knows so much, you can be real stupid sometimes.



I'm interested in a woman who is classier than me. She didn't offer to sleep with me right away, anyways. And she's harder to figure out than most girls. She's interesting. But I'm not the sort of guy to settle down, and I don't want to screw up someone like her...if you get my drift. Should I pursue her or leave her alone?

Don't persue her as a romantic intrest. Try to make friends with her first, and see how it goes from there...

My boyfriend of several years went on an overseas trip to Japan... and vanished. Should I try harder to locate him, or should I move on. For some reason I can't find him with magic, and I don't know why.

Seeing as its Japan I think its safe to say that hes either run afoul of the Yakuza or has been consumed by one of the countries innumerable demons. Its all a part of the Tokyo film industry conspiracy you see. If there are no demon attacks on foreigners then they will quickly run out of ideas for their horror cinema, which accounts for a large part of their revenue.

I would say move on, unless you want to go look for him and risk a similar fate.

I think Shirley Temple might be attempting to restart her plans for world domination and is likely being assisted by the Prime Minster of Canada. I have sent several letters attempting to warn the people of Canada, but they've stopped accepting them. Is there anything else I can do? Or should I let them wallow in their own ignorance until its to late?

Since when was shirley temple a person? Atlas I think you have got this one wrong for everyone knows that a shirley temple is a delectable pink drink that one often times is forced to throw a bit of vodka in when their best mates and sibling suddenly can't stand the sight of flirtinies. Can't imagine why - up till now they liked rather liked the things. If the matter continues to worry you however I'll fly over to Canada, seduce the prime minister and devour his shirley temple.

Canada and pink however... genius idea! I see a new trend on the horizon! Think maple leaves, canadian flags, various shades of pink, and Eskimos. It will be brilliant.

Just yesterday I found this wicked set of melon colored bondage pants, only the thing is I can't decided what look to go for while wearing them? Should I try for the tried and true goth meets technicolor or venture forth into something else? They have so much potential I just can't decide!

M-m-melon colored? You lucky d-dog,! I've looked everywhere for that particular shade of blue-green to go with a reversible I found! Well it already has a h-h-ole in it, but it should be easy enough to mend if the lady next door likes my pot-stickers.

Oh, right.

Dunno what b-bondage pants are, but I assume their like any other t-type of pants?

You should d-ditch the 'scene' m-mentality and instead look at c-color pallets and c-cuts. Really whatever m-m-matches the unique shade and screams 'buy me'. If your anything l-like me, you'll have to c-consider price range as well.
If you just g-go with initial f-feelings alone I'm s-sure it'll come out l-looking as you'd l-like.

---

I c-can't sleep at night, I've t-tried everything, spells, charms, m-medications, nothing seems to help. It's getting to the point where it's m-m-messing with m-my c-c-concentration at work, and it's already p-pretty hard to m-m-manage in the first place. I c-can't afford to be fired 'cause I suspect the pixies are breeding enough to where an uprising c-could occur within the next six to eight m-m-months.

Any advice?

Drugs. Try as many hard drugs as possible. Try heroin. If nothing else, you'll hardly notice your exhaustion. I recommend you visit Atlas Caedmon's SHOP, too; you seem to have a lot in common. My reasons for recommending illegal drugs may seem obscure, so let me clarify. No one will break the local pharmacist's legs if his medication fails to work. The requirements for dealers are somewhat more stringent. Good luck. Ask around Knockturn.








The skeleton next door has taken to riding a life-sized My Little Pony at nights. Is the pink-and-sparkly apocalypse nigh, or should I just ignore them? I considered some sort of explosive, but Jasper would chuck me it isn't a good idea to harm the creature.

I don't see what the problem is here at all. You might want to chase off the skeleton before it goes all "four horsemen" on you and summons Beelzebub, but just learn to embrace the pony. Revel in its sparkly goodness, admire its plastic-strawberry scent and diamond hooves, run your fingers through its tinsel mane. Skip through meadows of raspberry bootlaces with it as it neighs merrily, its cupcake decal glittering in the morning sun. Think, Cal, what could be more lovely than that?

And don't you dare harm it or you will suffer grievous and irreversible bodily harm, possibly involving the transfiguration of your nose into a squid.


My significant other has expressed a certain amount of dislike for my favorite pet. Should I chuck him (the significant other, certainly not the pet), or make the two of them cuddle until they bond with one another?

Is it just dislike? Maybe he's allergic. I think you should try to find out the resason for dislike, and take it from there...



My brother is a muggle, but he wants an owl. I don't think he could handle one of the normal letter owls, but I don't want my cat to terriffy one of the little owls when I visit home... What should I do?

Let him babysit your owl for a weekend while you stay with a friend or something. He'll see how much work and hassle they can be and will forget he ever wanted one!

After sixteen years away from England, I've returned to find my niece dead and the Ministry, including my home department of Level Two, in an absolute uproar. Should I do the smart thing and get out of this mess before I get in, or do what I normally do and try to fix everything?

Clearly you should skip level 2 and come to level 5 and work for me. But perhaps a more practical choice would be to try and work through the problems. The Ministry has had many ups and downs... I should know. But seriously, work for level 5!!!


So yeah I know I'm 114 but I'm still a woman and I still have needs. There is this certain itch that I can't scratch and I can't find anyone to help me itch it. I mean sure there is Larry from Level 4 and Bill from level 3 but neither of the is exactly ready to go on the fly. Also they are certainly no James Edwards or Wendell Darrow. So, should I make do with Larry or Bill or should I try the whole Cougar routine?

When and where?



So, I'm really desperately in love with one woman, but (aside from the fact that she's in denial about our relationship) flirting and seduction play very important roles in my work. How can I maintain my level of performance without seeming unfaithful to a woman I'm not official seeing?

Anywhere and anytime... its an itch that needs to be throughly scratched!!

((ooc: Continue on with answering patrick's problem... i just couldn't resist posting here with a reply.))

Patrick. Your problem is one of logistics, since you obviously are ignoring the technicalities of your situation--that is, that you're actually single and therefore shouldn't be concerned about fidelity. The solution is simple. Do what's necessary for your work (just remember to use proper protection), and if your true love has a problem with it ask her if she's ready to take your unofficial relationship to the next level.



I've recently discovered been introduced to a talking skeleton, one who is not simply enchanted but actually seems to be inhabited by a soul. I'd love an opportunity to study the thing; but, unfortunately, it's owned by someone who...well, hates me, to be blunt. How should I go about offering the proverbial olive branch and getting my chance at the skeleton?

You offer them something shinny of course paired with a charmingly boyish grin. Unless they are of a more fickle nature then of course diamonds work wonders on any temperament! Or you tell one of your mates about your fondness for said skeleton and they will help you get him as some sort of cost... usually involving something embarrassing like cutting your hair or wearing a suit.

My problem is of a much more serious nature. There are two females - we shall call them lusty (a charming woman at the daily profit who sends me laser beams of lust) and lawful (an auror that used to have something with my now sadly dead mate and my sister's latest chum that has gallons of gold) - anyway to put it plainly I've taken a fancy to them both and would very much like for the two to meet and come to an agreeable conclusion that ends in us all getting drunk and having super fun times with each other. How do you propose I go about doing this without meeting the sudden end my mates have proposed will happen?

Bring me with you. Believe me buddy ole pal, that will solve all your problems in no time. ;)


Speaking of problems, I think I may have too many dalliances. I think. It's not official--OK, nothing has ever been official in my love life--but I was thinking. Does it work to just be with one person? Is that even physically possible?

Don't encourage his suicidal tendancies!

Now, as to your problem, I'd say that it is physically possible to be with one person. Sometimes it is even necessary, such as when they threaten your uh... health should they discover otherwise. I'd suggest starting slow, perhaps finding someone who can hold your attention for a week or two. If it works there you go, if not I've got the number of a couple models that I've been sadly unable to use...

I've been keeping a rather important secret about my past from my girlfriend. However, I think she is starting to get suspicious, because she keepts grilling me about my childhood and giving me these weird looks. Any suggestions on how I can throw her off the scent, and save myself a really unpleasant scene?