Sofia gazed at the suit on her bed with barely repressed dread as the ashes from her mother’s howler drifted lazily to the ground . Usually she didn’t panic when she had to go home for tea, rather it was a very cut and dry affair where she wore her usual somber black suit and listened to her mother, the chosen guests of the day, and the rest of her immediate family gossip over cumber sandwiches and petit fours. But this time she was going with a ‘date’, date here being used in the most liberal of terms. More like an unwilling victim that met a series of set criteria that also had the benefit of a rather nice bum and was a coworker. Nothing to fret over, in fact she had even tried to explain this to her mother, but that had not stopped the matron of the family from sending over strict instructions to her daughter to wear her hair down and don the custom made object on the bed or else. Sofia sent it an accusatory glare.

The dove grey dress suit stared back at her innocently. It was neither dark grey nor black and had been hand chosen by her mother, there was no getting out of it she would have to wear it and hope Dillan wouldn’t think she had changed her mind about the entire affair being a casual friendly outing. At least her mother had been kind enough to keep Sofia from making the big step into colors. Perhaps she knew colors and hair would have pushing the limits.

Slipping on the thing and removing her hair from its usual bun Sofia felt the sudden urge to gag at her mother’s oh so blatant attempt to make her only daughter look more feminine. Dillan had better not think she was dressing up for him or he was going to have to deal with scolding hot tea being spilt in an unmentionable spot – cute bum or not, after all she wouldn’t be marring his rear.

With such pleasant thoughts on mind she apparated from her flat to the family home, where she was promptly accosted by non other than her sister in law and mother. Two mind blowing minutes later Sofia had been turned into the ideal daughter and socialite – if one was able to look past the death glare she was shooting at her two brothers, both who had taken to giggling like hyenas during the process.

“You had both best watch yourselves.” She grumbled, before rearranging her features in a a pleasant smile and seating herself between Edward’s current fling and the daughter of that week’s guest – Mrs. Vucan. Her mother certainly did have a sense of humor, a very sick sense of humor. At least she would have to get up and greet Dillan when… and if he made an appearance.

Wendell found himself pressed and dressed with more nitpicky care than he had ever experienced in his life that Saturday afternoon. Not even for his own sister’s wedding, or when anxiously choosing his first Dillan suit had he ever spent so much time carefully choosing the appropriate ensemble (or rather having Jasper carefully choose the appropriate ensemble for him). He missed the good old days when he could just wake up and throw on some clothes. He didn’t care about brands, or cuffs, or the perfect fit. In fact he had found a completely new fear altogether: turning as girly as most of his friends. And it was all in pursuit of that elusive BHL date.

He viewed the event itself with excited trepidation. After the drearily long session on Tea Parties 101, Jasper had succeeded in convincing Wendell that Mrs. Robards was in fact half-dragon and could sprout an extra head when enraged. He felt that the best way to make it through this lunch alive and not permanently maimed, was to remain as quiet and boring looking as possible. In other words, he had to imagine how he would normally act and do the exact opposite. They would probably forget that he was even there. And he could just copy Sofia when it came to deciding which fork to use.

He found himself standing outside their large townhouse in the poshest neighborhood of Rowling Terrace. Everything about the place was perfect to a degree that it was nigh upon disgusting, it was clean, there wasn’t a weed to be seen anywhere, and the place was at least twice as large as the home he had grown up in despite the fact his own family had been much larger. He vaguely wondered how many bedrooms the place had. Perhaps he could get Sophia to give him a tour, and if they got distracted…

He mentally slapped himself. He wasn’t Wendell Darrow anymore and Dillan Wentworth wouldn’t engage in such risky business, he had a reputation to uphold. He pushed open the wrought-iron gate, strode purposefully towards their front door, and pressed the doorbell. He had barely retracted his thumb when the door swung open and he was greeted with the wide-eyed gaze of a cheerful looking house elf.

“Good Afternoon sir!” It squeaked. He thought of it as an “it” because it really was hard to tell exactly what gender a house elf is. “Would you be Mr. Wentworth?”

Wendell barely managed to restrain a grin. He loved house elves! He was perpetually amused by their eagerness to be helpful, and furthermore they were dead useful when you wanted to say…play a prank on the Gryffindors.

“Good afternoon, Yes Dillan Wentworth.” he nodded. Normally, he would be more pleasant towards the house elves, but Jasper had given him strictest instructions not to. They would undoubtedly be quizzed on his behavior by Mrs. Robards after he left and the average snobby pureblood would not take much notice of a mere house elf. Despite all Hermoine Weasley’s efforts to gain them rights, they still received abysmal treatment at times.

The house elf gave him, what he could only decide was a very searching look, before dropping into a low bow.

“I shall announce your arrival, sir!”

Great…

There was the bell – and now Twinkie was announcing those magic words. “ Mr. Dillan Wentworth at the door for you Miss. Sofia” There was a reason why Twinkie was her favorite house elf, and not only because she had gotten to name the thing as a small child. Sofia shot out of her chair instantly was in the atrium only moments later. There he was looking breathless and positively well turned out. All her fears about his American ways not affording him any prior knowledge on tea were elevated as soon as her eyes fell upon the delicately tailed cut of his collar. She did have a weakness for men in suits. Dillan you might be able to replace Wendell as a friend after all.

“Mr. Wentworth, so glad you could make it!” She exclaimed, her voice carrying back to the east parlor with ease. Look at me mother! I can be charming and pleasant when I choose. “Watch out for Edward, one of my older brothers, he’s started a bit early today.” She muttered in an undertone, giving him a meaningful look. She couldn’t help it that her brother had gotten a bit heavy handed with his reserve flask the moment Mrs. Vulcan and offspring had entered the house.

“I suppose we had best join the others before they join us here. Good luck.” She said with a sigh before leading Dillan to what she hoped wouldn’t be beginnings of an American Flaming party – taking the path that went past the least amount of family portraits. No need for Dillan to meet Great Great Grandfather Briony till he got his bearing a bit. No one wanted to be objectified by a lecherous old portrait till after one had gotten down a couple cucumber sandwiches.

With an encouraging smile directed at Dillan Sofia opened the door where the polite twitter of conversation stopped and fifteen sets of eyes turned upon them. Small tea was all really a relative term for the Robards. From her position at Dillan’s side, she could see the slight flash of disapproval on her mother’s face before fading into a pleasant smile. Sofia’s eyes sought the clock on the mantle, Dillan was a while minute and a half late. Merlin have mercy on our souls. Best face the dragon head on. Resolve and duty helped Sofia guide Wendell over to her politely masked mother.

“May I present Mr. Dillan Wentworth? Dillan, my mother, Ms. Marion Robards.” Please, please be charming. And don’t jump to much when Edward comes up behind you, as it looks like he is about to do.

“Ms. Robards a pleasure to meet you.” He greeted the fearsome matriarch with a charming grin.

The dreaded first introduction was nearly complete and he hadn’t committed any major faux pas like accidentally insulting the Robards matriarch, or tripping into the table and sending tea crashing into her lap. He took a mental sigh of relief (a physical one would have been unseemly!). He knew that this wouldn’t be as bad as Jasper had been not so subtly implying since Wendell had first informed him of the scheme.

But out of nowhere a spell hit him in the back of the leg. A half-second later his knee buckled underneath him and he awkwardly fell over. It took him only a mere moment to realize he had been hit with a Sponge Knees curse! At a tea party! He couldn’t have done anything offensive enough to warrant such treatment already! Instinct kicked in (honed from years of crime, and many more spent as a trouble maker) and he hit his attacker with a leg-locking jinx. He was a firm believer in the whole “eye for an eye” or rather “knee for a knee” mentality.

The attacker crashed to the floor with similar grace. Seeing that his attacker was down Wendell patched up his own defunct limb with a quick flick of his wand and rose to his feet, feeling bewildered and embarrassed. Although judging from the horrified outcries from the female Robards and the other guests, the attack had been unmotivated by anything that Wendell himself had done.

“I didn’t realize it was typical for English to send crazed hitmen after their guests.” He remarked quirking a brow at the sheepish looking man sprawled on the floor.

“I say that was much more impressive than the last fellow you brought around, Sofia!” The man exclaimed taking the jinx off himself and then standing up he offered Wendell his hand. “Edward Robards!”

Wendell remembered Edward Robards from his years at Hogwarts. He had only been a year older than Wendell himself, and though he had always seemed pleasant enough they had never really developed a friendship. They were more like friendly acquaintances, or well as friendly as Slytherins could be. There had always been that unbreechable void of Robards versus Darrow between them. Perpetuated as much by Wendell as by Edward. They acknowledged the existence of each other but they traveled in different circles (excepting of course when Edward wanted some firewhiskey to throw a party in the common room). Edward had at least been personable, it was the other Robards brother he didn’t get along with – what was his name? Wilbur? No – William! The snooty straight-laced one! He had been the epitome of all that Wendell found obnoxious about pureblood society.

“Dillan Wentworth,” he replied bemusedly.

Going going, wince – and Dillan was down. But not quite! Edward was down for the count while Dillan seemed far from phased. Oh brother. Edward was going to have a new hero, one that he could bare to see hitched to his sister. There would be no end to it. She had just lost the main supporter for team platonic friendship. Her fate was slowly being chiseled in stone…

Sofia stole a quick glance at her mother, who looked beyond horrified. Maybe there would be a new supporter for her team? But then a relieved smile thanks to some comment from Dillan. Why Dillan why? Don’t get on her good side then it will be worse for us both! Do you want wedding innuendos all of tea?

“I say that was much more impressive than the last fellow you brought around, Sofia!”

Sofia hated being right. She gave a tightlipped smile, “I don’t recall the last fellow.”

Edward seemed to be distracted by introducing himself to Dillan or so she thought. “The lawyer chap, the one who got you some warrants or something for work?” Edward gave her a mischievous smile. She recalled him all right, as did Edward who had convinced William to make the introductions at her request. A criminal lawyer that had been more than willing to grant her a couple favors in return for a few of her own. That beneficial business association had lasted until some husband hunter picked him up. However Sofia had been promised all the legal council she could ever need however and his throwing the occasional case. Not a bad trade off for a couple awkward dinners and days of warding off his less gentlemanly advances.

Not something she wanted Edward sharing with Dillan or her mother for that matter. Sofia took the initiative to gently guide Dillan to a seat, and pour him some tea. Her mother brightened considerably at the sight of her daughter acting almost like a socialite.

“I don’t see why you disliked him so much Edward, he was a highly creditable young man, though not as charming as Mr. Wentworth here. Now if you are done assaulting our guest of honor?” With a wave and a matronly arch of the eyebrow Edward was already sitting demurely in his corner, thought not before slipping a small sliver flask into his sister’s ready hands. All the Robards present simultaneously took a ‘calming’ sip of tea as Mrs. Vulcan proceeded to neither be offered a cup or any other form of refreshment. Tough love.

“Now Mr. Wentworth how did you meet our Sofia? At some ministry wedding?”

“Mother…” came Sofia’s answering warning growl, delivered in a seemingly pleasant tone.

It had begun. The endless sting of wedding innuendos, or blatant references to things of a similar ilk, poor Dillan was going to be the focus of the family matriarch’s attentions until Edward or possibly even William took pity. The fate of Dillan’s tea rested in his answer – to spike his tea or not was the true question.

He was feeling rather awkward. It had to be some sort of record. He had only been the house a grand total of two minutes and he had already gotten in a duel with one of her brothers. Not exactly, the glowing first impression that he had been hoping to make. But Sofia kindly led him away from the sharp gaze of her mother, and poured him some tea.

“Now Mr. Wentworth how did you meet our Sofia? At some ministry wedding?”

“Mother…”

A warning bell sounded in his head. Or rather, a warning voice. Jasper's. He recalled the long afternoon he had spent learning the tedious process of surviving a high tea. And one thing that he had made explicitly clear was that he should not under any circumstances allow himself to be engaged in a conversation about weddings. And though he still didn't quite understand why, he trusted Jasper's judgment on such matters.

"No! Just around the office. She helped me sort out a few forms. It's amazing how much red tape you have to go through to get an arrest warrant."

He internally congratulated himself on his excellent diversionary tactics. He had managed to steer the conversation from one of the Seven Deadly conversation topics to office paperwork in three sentences flat! It was a nice, boring, inoffensive topic that could not lead to him getting hexed. Again.

He glanced at the cup and saucer in front of him, almost terrified to actually pick it up. With most of the tables attention focused on him, he couldn’t risk getting caught holding his cup at the wrong angle. It could only end disastrously! So he smiled pleasantly at the ten or so pairs of eyes staring him down and then turned towards Sofia.

“Right?”

Dillan had narrowly avoided the awkward fate that would have awaited him had he said anything that even hinted of weddings or grandchildren. She would have to slip his tea some brandy when the occasion presented its self. Only he looked a little antsy, as though the mere hint of commitment was positively terrifying.

It was - but no reason to look at one's tea as though it could divine his future... or have everyone else stare at him and his cup. Unless...

How could she have forgotten! He was an American! He probably knew barely a thing about tea and here had had some of the purest of the pure watching his every tea sipping move. The pressure had to be getting to him - which in some perverse level served him right. He did mess with her interrogation subject by leading the brute one.

“Right?”

Or he was going to pass on the attention. Thanks Dillan thanks. Now she had to some up with something appropriately bland that would not give her mother anything more to work with. "Indeed, Dillan was mistakingly filling out supply forms."

William raised a brow, a mirror image of the look Sofia often sported. "Supply forms eh? What sort of supplies?" He tone clearly implied what sort of 'supplies' Dillan might be needing. To bad her oldest brother couldn't have remained mercifully silent the entire event.

"The kind Aurors use. Like every good chief an Auror also needs a well stocked kitchen. Did I tell you about the tower of soup I made the other evening?" With those simple words her sister-in-law stole the spotlight away from Dillan an onto greater topics like her latest culinary disaster masterpiece.

Sofia leaned over, brandy hidden from view as she filled Dillan's tea cup. "It even had turrets." She whispered as she poured. "But tasted terrible. I promise to make this up to you, what do you say to getting dinner after this fiasco? My treat." She continued, voice still lowered as Edward began to go on about how the soup had at least been visually simulating.

Wendell was becoming increasingly aware that he was to be the Robards family enertaiment this afternoon. And he couldn't decide exactly what had prompted him to subject himself to this unusual form of torture. He had certainly been given enough warnings. Sofia herself had given him numerous cryptic warnings that the afternoon would be unpleasant. Jasper had fortold his imminent demise at the hands of a rabid spoon wielding matriarch.

Why hadn't he listened?

Soon William, the eldest Robard son turned on him. There was something in the man's very tone that tended to rub him the wrong way. Even though he had no real excuse to percieve Wendell as anything other than his equal he still sneered at him. If it wasn't his parentage it was his geographic location of origin. He rather wondered how he was able to find someone good enough to marry him. As he listened to Betty Robards chatter on about some disgusting sounding casserole she had made, he decided that the pureblood socialites had their priorities completely skewed. Betty might have come from an acceptable family but she was a bloody idiot. Wendell would have murdered her after having been married to her for five minutes.

"It even had turrets." She whispered as she poured. "But tasted terrible. I promise to make this up to you, what do you say to getting dinner after this fiasco? My treat."

Sofia interrupted his less than charitable thoughts by slipping some brandy into his tea. He gave her a thankful smile, and seeing that the table's attention was momentarily distracted by Betty he took a quick drink of his spiked tea.

"You're on. Assuming of course I survive the Spanish Inquisition." He whispered. "I'm somehow getting the impression you don't bring to many guests to tea."

He was pulled out of their whispered conversation by Edward making a rather loud jest at his sister-in-law's cooking, and then recieving the hairy eyeball from his unamused mother. He was definately a kindred troublemaking spirit.

There was at least an hour left of torture for poor Dillan before the 'happy couple' could make their excuses and run without comment. The bravery the man was showing in face of a wedding minded matriarch was astounding but unbeknownst to him that was only the beginnings of the Robards form of socialization. The eldest male Robards had yet to join in the fun. But upon seeing his sister actually whispering to a male other than one related to her in some degree his fraternal instincts kicked in.

With his mother glaring and his sister looking far to docile for it all to not be an act William decided that it was time for 'dear Mr. Wenthworth' to make his intentions known to all. If his sister coyly denied they were dating one more time while simultaneously cozying up to the American more than she had any other man William was going to challenge Dillan to a duel. It just wasn't proper. Luckily for him his mother had somehow managed to turn the conversation towards marriage and commitment once again.

"Mr. Wentworth would you care to clarify your intentions."

Sofia's head jerked up as she gave signature glare in time with her mother and her sister-in-law to her brother. There was a sudden outburst of coughing which Sofia was pretty sure Dillan or the middle son choking on their tea. An awkward silence descended upon the group - Mrs. Vulcan and her daughter looking decidedly more delighted than horrified at her elder bother's outburst while Sofia's cheeks had gone a faint red.

There was a half hour to go before they could leave but if that was how her brother was going to behave... Sofia shot Dillan an easy to decipher look. One that communicated she would get him out of here before the firestorm started if only he could give her some sort of cue. They had been stupid to have not thought of escape symbols before entering the house.

"Mr. Wentworth would you care to clarify your intentions."

Edward, who was mid-sip of his brandy spiked tea, began to choke and sputter. Wendell was grateful that he hadn’t taken a drink at that moment or he would have been in a similar state. His face went blank for a moment or so before he schooled his features and turned to face the eldest Robards brother. His intentions? Had this family fallen out of the eighteenth century?

He glanced momentarily over at Sofia whose face had turned a light shade of red. She was glaring daggers alternately at her brother and her mother. A conspiracy was brewing in the Robards house. One designed to find the the young unmarried Sofia a beau. Wendell began to understand why Jasper had been so insistant about avoiding any topic of conversation regarding marriage. If he didn't watch himself he'd find himself in front of an alter at wand tip.

“My intentions? Well in the short term I intend to enjoy this delicious cucumber sandwich,” he said nodding respectfully to the matriarch who had no hand in making them. “Beyond that, I’m afraid I’m playing everything by ear.”

Of course it didn't answer the question in the slightest, but that was utterly besides the point. It was an inconsiderate question on his part really. He hadn't been on a single date with her yet, so if he had been a nice normal fellow he'd be completely scared off at this point. And if he was just a coworker they'd have an awfully awkward working relationship. So William was really quite lucky that Dillan was secretly Wendell the criminal, who was interested in Sofia but not really available for any sort of relationship and therefore not scared off or weirded out by her insane family. That and he was pretty sure if it came down it it, he could take the stuffy lawyer in a fight.

She was in love.

Well not really. She had merely fallen further into lust. After a coworker. Rule number one when it came to that area was just don't do it. Stay friends. Be amicable not amorous. But he was not running away in terror from her family... though given that William was opening his mouth and preparing for round two she might be celebrating a bit to early.

"With my sist- " Sofia could stand no more.

She cut William off before he could do more damage. " The cucumber sandwiches are rather delightful aren't they? One of the elves always leave me a box at my flat..." Sofia gave a sudden gasp followed by a horrified expression. "Which I didn't lock! Mother you will excuse Dillan and I if we leave early? I wouldn't want anyone to have such easy access to criminal files."

Sensing the affair had been a disaster Mrs. Robards granted the coveted permission to leave. Sofia left the room, doing her best to continue looking worried, which considering they were leaving early for no real reason was quite the challenge. With a final wave Sofia, with Dillan in tow, left the Robards town house with only one disbelieving look. Edward always could tell when she was lying.