*The camera view shows a window looking out into deep space*

Captain Anderson: Well. This is exciting.

Ambassador Udina: Well, what about Shepherd? She grew up in the colonies.

Anderson: She knows how tough life can be out there. She was the only one left when slavers attacked Mindoir.

Udina: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Shepherd on Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz?

Admiral Hackett: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Shepherd born in space and... a man?

Udina: Is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy? Someone who we have poor records of?

Hackett: I'm bored of this. Let's go get a pizz.

Udina: *Sigh* I'll make the call.

*Jane Shepherd comes into view of the window, she is staring out of it for no particular reason*

Shepherd: Note this window: You ain't gonna be seeing it on the Normandy in-game.

In the year 2005, explorers in Bioware's basement discovered their DVDs of all the coolest science fiction movies ever. In the years that followed, these marvelous films revealed startling new plot twists, enabling maximum player entertainment. The basis of this plot was a force that controlled the very fabric of character and universe.

They called it the greatest discovery in human history.

The civilizations of the entertainment industry call it...

*Shiny title appears*

MASS MEDIA

*We see the starship SSV Normandy fly past the planet Jupiter. It looks cool. We are all impressed*

Shepherd: Well, I was anyways.

Normandy - Bridge

Joker: Ok, we're about to do the thing. You know, the like cool thing where we fly into the thing and it does that thing.

Shepherd: What thing?

*The Normandy hits the Mass Relay, Shepherd is pinned against the back wall*

Shepherd: Oh. That thing.

Joker: Thrusters… check. Navigation… check. Internal combustion carburettor… check. My of-shore banking account… just under fifteen-hundred K.

Nihlus: Very impressive technical readouts, pilot. Your Craptain will be pleased.

Joker: Captain.

Nihlus: What?

Joker: You said Craptain. It's Captain.

Nihlus: Right. *He walks off*

Joker: I hate that guy.

Kaiden: He gave you a compliment... so you hate him.

Joker: Don't judge me! *cries*

Shepherd: I'm sure I have some NPCs to interact with. I'll be back there.

Joker: Ok, see ya.

*Shepherd leaves*

Kaiden: So, Jok-

Joker: Ok, see ya.

Kaiden: You alright?

Joker: Ok, see ya.

Normandy Communications Room

*Shepherd walks in, Nihlus is looking at Turian nudie pics*

Shepherd: Oh, yeah. That definitley looks like Eden Prime.

*Nihlus quickly switches it with the remote*

Nihlus: Of course it does! Why wouldn't it!

*Captain Anderson walks in*

Anderson: Enough porn. It's time to discuss business.

Shepherd: That Chevy Nova's still up for sale, if you want to buy it sir.

Anderson: No. Other business.

Shepherd: ... you lost me.

Anderson: Eden Prime.

Shepherd: What about it?

Anderson: It was attacked. Go deal with it. Take Jenkins. And that other shmuck.

Shepherd: Kaiden?

Anderson: Gesundheit!

Jenkins: Yay! I get to go on a mission.

Anderson: Here, have this. *Hands Jenkins a red t-shirt, which he promptly puts on over his armor* To the Anderson-Cave!

Normandy - Garage

Nihlus: I'll scout ahead.

Shepherd: Ok, we'll join you.

Nihlus: No, you'll slow the plot down that way.

Shepherd: Right.

*Nihlus jumps out*

Kaiden: Aren't we like 100 feet up?

*crunch*

Nihlus: I'm ok.

*Normandy drops off Shepherd, Kaiden and Jenkins*

Eden Prime - Surface

Shepherd: Ok, everyone give all of your skill points to Jenkins to maximize his everything.

Kaiden: Done.

Shepherd: Alright. Now Jenkins is our tank-

*A Geth drone flies out of nowhere, shoots Jenkins in the chest and explodes after running into a fly*

Shepherd: JENKIIIIIIIIINS *She holds him in her arms*

Kaiden: Do you even know him?

Shepherd: Nope. *she drops his body unceremoniously* But I do know his wallet now. *she holds it up*

TO BE CONTINUED
SOON-ISH