Eileen,

I still remember the day you left me, the memory burned into my mind like the scars burned into my flesh.

I decided to keep the scars, though I've been told it's an easy enough operation to fix. I suppose it would not make much difference if I had my old face anyways. I keep the scars to remember.

You once told me that you thought the fact that I was a doctor was inspirational. You said that I was an amazing man for saving, and bettering lives. I often find myself deep in space, where the silence and darkness get the better of me and I laugh.

I laugh bitterly, because I remember your words, Eileen. I laugh because I have no more tears left in me. You thought I was great because I could save lives. Why couldn't I save yours?

Thinking of you, I play the scene over and over again in my head. If only I could go back into time, I could have saved you, Eileen. Life would have been different.

Originally I enlisted to die. I wanted to be with you again, but I knew you would never forgive me if I committed suicide. So battle after battle I went, searching for nothing more than the perfect, sweet bullet to deliver me from this prison. It never came.

For decades I have fought in battles, some impossible, and yet I live. At the end, I look up at the sky and I wonder. Is this your doing, Eileen? Are you protecting me? If you are, you should release me from such unearned protection.

It was my stubbornness and my pride that killed you.


I told you that I wouldn't let myself be pushed around by common thugs. You nodded in agreement, and now I wish you argued. I wish you put up a wall. I wish you hated me, Eileen. So that you could live. So that you could have a child like you had always wanted.

A bitter old man. That's how they see me, and they're right.
The last thing I cared for died...You don't understand that death has always been with me. As a doctor, it's a part of my everyday life, and was when we lived together. I'm crippled within, remembering your face after the explosion. They told me you died instantly, and it was fitting. Beautiful creatures do not deserve to suffer.

Something so beautiful, I wondered every night how I was so fortunate to have someone like you. You said I got lucky, followed by playful laughter. I felt lucky.

Now I feel like my luck has run dry. I'm still a soldier, waiting for the inevitable that never seems to come. You never knew me as a soldier, and I wonder if you would even recognize me now. If you could love a man that went off the deep end like me.

I wonder about all these things, and they torment me so deep within I'm not even sure if it's my own pain I'm feeling.

Come back to me. Bring meaning to my life.
I'm sorry I let you die. I'm sorry for so many things.

When I close my eyes I'll be with you for a brief moment again, and I hope these dreams are a gateway to heaven, because you look as beautiful as always. Don't give an old, worn out man a hard time like you always used to. I wasn't so old back then, but you played tricks like a child.

How I miss you.

Keep in touch,

Love Rif